Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

This needs to be seen by every person in this nation, especially those that voted for Obama.

November 20, 2013

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning…Today you voted.”

From Texas Fred!

Senior Moments…

May 18, 2012

Merry and Chris will love this one! Way funny!

http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI

Just a little fun…

November 2, 2011

Back in the day when training new E.M.T.’s they were often driving white knuckled and, to be blunt, terrified. Well, I developed a technique that would distract them… So to speak, from their fears. Most often resulting in them busting out laughing, lowering their stress level, and getting us to the scene intact.

Last evening my phone rang, and it was an old aquantince. One that has to deal with the same problems today that I addressed back then. So, my faithful readers. Put the fine crystal away, and sing along! Your voice certainly can’t be any worse than mine is, and was! :)

Jack o’ Diamonds, Jack o’ Diamonds and I know you of old
You’ve robbed my poor pockets of silver and gold
It’s a whiskey, you villain, you’ve been my downfall
You’ve kicked me, you’ve cuffed me, but I love you for all

It’s a whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If I don’t get rye whiskey, well, I think I will die

I’ll eat when I’m hungry, I’ll drink when I’m dry
If the hard times don’t kill me, I’ll lay down and die
I’ll tune up my fiddle and I ‘ll rosin my bow
I’ll make myself welcome, wherever I go

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die

Beefsteak when I’m hungry red liquor when I’m dry
Greenbacks when I’m hard up and religion when I die
They say I drink whiskey, my money’s my own
All them that don’t like me, can leave me alone

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die

Sometimes I drink whiskey, sometimes I drink rum
Sometimes I drink brandy, at other times none
But if I get boozey, my whiskey’s my own
And them that don’t like me, can leave me alone

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die

If the ocean was whiskey and I was a duck
I’d dive to the bottom to get one sweet suck
But the ocean ain’t whiskey and I ain’t a duck
So we’ll round up the cattle and then we’ll get drunk

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If the whiskey don’t kill me, I’ll live till I die

My foot’s in my stirrup, my bridle’s in my hand
I’m leaving sweet Lillie, the fairest in the land
Her parents don’t like me, they say I’m too poor
They say I’m unworthy to enter her door

It’s a whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If I don’t get rye whiskey, well, I think I will die

Sweet milk when I’m hungry, rye whiskey when I’m dry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
I’ll buy my own whiskey, I’ll make my own stew
If I get drunk, madam, it’s nothing to you

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die

I’ll drink my own whiskey, I’ll drink my own wine
Some ten thousand bottles I’ve killed in my time
I’ve no wife to quarrel, no babies to bawl
The best way of living is no wife at all

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die

Way up on Clinch Mountain I wander alone
I’m as drunk as the devil, oh, let me alone
You may boast of your knowledge an’ brag of your sense
‘Twill all be forgotten a hundred years hence

Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, you’re no friend to me
You killed my poor daddy, God damn you, try me

Then there was….

Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

{Refrain}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

{Refrain}

I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

{Refrain}

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

{Refrain}

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

{Refrain}

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

{Refrain}

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
      Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
      Leering from the dashboard of my van

If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask
Plastic Jesus shelters me
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flaskPlastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar
SOURCE

Enjoy John!

 

On the lighter side…

October 7, 2011

A few funny things that I received in a Newsletter that might interest some.

What is the truth about American Taxes?

When President Obama says that the rich don’t pay their share of taxes, he is lying, distorting, and demagoging.

Here are the facts according to the IRS:

• Those making more than $1 million pay 24% of income in  taxes
• Those making $200,000 to $300,000 pay 17.5%
• Those making $100,000 to $125,000 pay 9.9%
• Those making $50,000 to $60,000 pay 6.3%
• Those making $20,000 to $30,000 pay 2.5%

And what of millionaires who pay no taxes?

There are 1,470 of them.  They represent six-tenths of one percent of all those with million dollar incomes in the U.S.  If we assume that they make an average income of $2 million a year each, taxing them at the same rate as other millionaires (24.4%) would yield $367 million, which would increase Treasury income tax revenues by 30 one-hundredths of one percent or one-third of one-tenth of one percent!

Overall, the IRS reports that the revenues from the income tax are sharply skewed toward taxes on the rich:

• The top 1% pays 39%
• The top 5% pays 60%
• The top 10% pays 72%
• The bottom half pays 3%

Don’t buy into the great Liberal Lie, “I am going to solve all your problems, and not cost you anything, I am going to tax him!” 

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….
I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and
‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly. 


8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French
kiss, only down under. 


14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the
Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? Answer: Life
sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts
don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still
sleep with their wives! 

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

“You are in fine shape for your age, Maxine, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

“Henry, do we still have intercourse?”

And there was a hush…


You could hear
a pin drop.

He answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Maxine, I told

you a hundred times… What we have is…

Blue Cross

 

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,

who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,

‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her,
but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to


all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied,

” I gonna go pick her up.”

 

 

PETA VS. BIKERS

December 8, 2010

What a wonderful coming together of two diverse groups! We need more gatherings where the idiot activists are given warm, moist, aromatic welcomes like this one. This is why PETA usually protests women wearing fur rather than bikers wearing leather. Sounds to me like the old saying, “you mess with the bull, and you get the horns”. Gee, I guess these characters thought that Bikers where going to be politically correct like the rest of the wimpy world. HERE’S HOW POLICE FOUND ONE OF THEM.


Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

“Something just went wrong,”said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it. ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by.  This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’ and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress.  Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,”said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee.  “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us.  They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event.  So, what did we do?  We invited them to the party!  What could be more friendly than that?  You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activist’s meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,”assured the organizer.

H/T to Neil, original source unknown.

Early Christmas Wish’s…

December 2, 2010

Dear Uncle Fred. I know that you are busy so I figured that I’d get my wish list in early so as not to be too much trouble rounding these neat toys for big boys up for me.

I know, some might not be considered politically correct. But, oh well, when were we ever?

Any wonder why California is broke????

May 26, 2010

Texas versus California

A Governor is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

California :

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie  “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is  only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound  bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6  months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds  implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million  investigating how to better handle rabies and how to  possibly eradicate the disease.

#8.Governor’s  security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA  protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas :

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .380 cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Any wonder why California is  broke????

Courtesy of Texas Fred

OORAH AIRDALES!

November 12, 2009

Aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute ‘heads up’ if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai  Read below….

FA-18.jpg picture by FredWitzell
The conversation..

Iranian Air Defense Radar: ‘Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

U.S. Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’

Iranian Air Defense Radar: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

U.S. Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.   Send ‘em up. I’ll wait !’

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response)

SOURCE: Texas Fred

Liberty? What for?

October 19, 2009

“Conservative arguments against President Obama are becoming increasingly silly. They oppose Obama rescuing businesses despite all the jobs on the line, they’re against government taking control of health care from soulless insurance companies, and they oppose increased taxes on energy consumption despite the sorry state of the environment. And why do they oppose these most sensible actions? Because of their irrational, brain-dead obsession with liberty. Of course, everyone likes freedom — to a point — but there are a number of loud, stupid Americans who just take it to ridiculous extremes. They hoard their freedoms like greedy little dwarfs hoarding gold when they have little actual use for most of it. People need rules and order and guidance, but they hardly ever need liberty. Liberty doesn’t feed your family. Liberty doesn’t heal you when you’re sick. Liberty doesn’t educate your children. A strong government can do all those things, but apparently that’s against liberty. … Just look at this ludicrous debate over health care reform. Of course the government should provide health care for everyone; how obvious can anything be? The government has the money and smart people working for everyone’s interests to make sure all get health care, so why would anyone be against that? Because apparently people aren’t ‘free’ to make their health care choices for themselves. … Real freedom is not having to worry about health care, and that’s what you get when you have the government take it over. Yes, you’ll have little control over who gets what kind of care, but some people will just have to suffer some for the betterment of the whole. The advantage of having the government in control is that it makes sure the fewest number suffer, and those that do aren’t particularly important. … Most of the civilized world has moved beyond this uncompromising view of ‘freedom’ — if they were ever foolish enough to adopt it in the first place. Can you think of any other country that would permit its citizens to have guns like America does? Of course not; that’s beyond moronic. People know freedom is a dangerous, scary thing, and you have to be careful how much you tolerate.” –columnist Frank J. Fleming

(To submit reader comments click here.)

The preceding was satirical humor

SOURCE

How to deal with Bankers and Big Government Types

September 9, 2009

This was just to good not to share. It addresses banks, but could easily be applied to Senators and such. In fact, I’m going to be sending it to all my representatives… Enjoy!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
A bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
Amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
Which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in
My account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
Deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
Has been in place for only eight years. You are to be
Commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
Also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
Inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
From the manner in which this incident has caused me to
Rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
Telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you,
I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
Pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
Become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
A flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
Repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
Automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
Whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
For any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
Attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
Employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
In order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
Knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
All copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
And the Mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
Debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
Documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
Issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
But, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
Presses required of me to access my account balance on your
Phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
Form of flattery

Let me level the playing field even further

When you call me, press buttons as
Follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
To access my computer is required. Password will be
Communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
Options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
My automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
Wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the Call

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
Must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
Of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
Slightly less prosperous New Year

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old
Woman) ‘YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ‘ US SENIORS’ !!!!!

And remember: Don’t make old ladies mad. They
Don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to set them off




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 185 other followers

%d bloggers like this: